Where Do I Start? Attempted Hit-and-Run? Screaming Police Altercation? Tasering?

CRASH!

Actually, it all started with a jarring crash shortly after 1:00 AM. Both Erik and I leapt out of bed; Ava was right behind us. It only took a few seconds, but I processed the sound and realized there had been a car accident outside in front of our house. While Ava and I tried to peek out the window, Erik hurried downstairs and outside to see what had transpired.

None of us had any idea the idiocy that had just scraped our lives.

Luckily, our neighbor S was already outside and in motion. He succinctly informed Erik that an obviously impaired driver had smashed into our SUV, hitting several other cars parked along our block in the process, and was attempting to flee the scene. S had already gotten make and model of the car, had called the police, and was in pursuit of said vehicle as it attempted to turn off our block.

Yikes! But thank goodness for good neighbors!

While Erik and S assessed the situation, a man (I'll refer to him as THE LOSER forevermore) emerged from his miscreant car and stumbled around. He saw my husband and my neighbor and stupidly waved them over. In an odd voice, he apparently said to them, “Hey, guys, can you help me? See my car? Can you help me push it down the block to my friend's house? I just hit some other cars. I gotta get outta here!”

Ladies and gentlemen, meet THE LOSER.

Fact: he had just hit our cars—Erik's and S's and a few more. Fact: in his attempt to get away his wheel axle had dug a 4-inch divot into the pavement of our block—a trail of slime, as I like to call it. Fact: he had drugs and alcohol in his system, but apparently thought his biggest problem was hiding his mangled ride.

At this point, Erik had two options: laugh hysterically or run for his life. Luckily, S is a pretty convincing guy and informed THE LOSER that the authorities were on their way and that he might as well wait for them. I guess he's really, really convincing, because THE LOSER waited around.

While all this was going on, I was still upstairs trying to get Ava back to sleep. This proved futile, as it was much too exciting to look through the blinds and watch as more neighbors arrived on the street to assess the damage, as the bright, blinking lights of police cruisers arrived, and as the loud rumble of tow-trucks began to clear away the debris clogging our block. Finally, I gave up and simply joined her at the window.

Until the screaming began.

I could only see a portion of the street from my bedroom window, and since I didn't want to go into Hudson's room and risk waking him, I had no idea who was shouting, but I knew one thing: he was POed. Quietly, I snuck downstairs for a better view. Ah, there was THE LOSER, facing off a gaggle of police officers, screaming and drilling his finger into an officer's chest. At this point, I had only one question.

Why was he not in cuffs and being dragged into a cruiser?

I guess the policemen were doing their best, but I didn't appreciate the obscenities flying while my curious 4-year-old listened upstairs. I mean, even if her tiny little nose wasn't pressed against the window pane, she still could've heard the loud and decidedly inappropriate exchanges. Anyway, it was at this point I got my first good luck at the damage done to my SUV, and when my own anger began to simmer.

I'm no expert, but I knew at that moment that my beloved Jimmy was totaled. Several facts flew through my mind. (1) It was my first truly adult vehicle, a gift from my parents, with sentimental value. (2) It was currently a much-needed second vehicle for our family. (3) It was a fully paid off vehicle.

It was at that moment I decided THE LOSER himself wasn't worth the dried mud on the Jimmy's tires.

You know, I could ramble on and on about how horrible THE LOSER was throughout this ordeal, but I'm sure everyone can already tell I'm biased against him. I mean, not only did he put others in danger, not only did he destroy part of our block, not only did he demonstrate the unfortunate lowliness that some humans can sink to, but—he caused our family to go from no car payments to now the struggle of both finding a replacement vehicle and returning to the drudgery of payments.

My only consolation is that later—while I tried to overcome my anger and drift back to sleep—officers apparently tasered him when he tried to flee yet again. I know it's not Christian of me to say so, but I hope it hurt. I really, really hope it hurt.