Bro Portrait

In honor of Hudson feeling better, Ava created this adorable portrait of her little brother. I—for one—think that it simply shines with merit, both creatively and considerately. Ain't she the sweetest thing?

Epic Failure

Yes, that would be me. Total and utter failure. Or at least it felt that way many times this week.

As you know, my poor little man woke up with a fever last Saturday, and I'm not even kidding when I say that this weekend was the first he's seemed completely back to himself. Almost a week, y'all. With a sick kid. Some of you are nodding your head with me, right? What a week!

My sweet baby has never been sick before, especially not with a fever like this, and he totally became a mama's boy. Usually he plays independently for a large part of the day, running amok through the house, playing with his toys, being adorable, all that fun stuff. But for the past several days he's wanted nothing but to be in my arms. And knowing how terrible he felt, that's all I wanted too! I hate seeing my kids sick. It breaks my heart.

That would have been bad enough. Poor little sick sweetheart. But this week also happened to have other situations emerge as well. Erik has been working to renew his teacher's license, and he needed to finish all of his papers this week. A lot of papers! And of course his brilliant wife needed to edit them all for him. A lot of papers! Plus he was in a wedding and was gone for the bachelor party, the rehearsal dinner, and the wedding itself. Whew!

As for Ava, I know she felt neglected this week, and that's part of why I feel like a failure. I really thought I could be SuperMom; I really can't. Sadly, she spent a great deal of time alone in her playroom. No temper tantrums, thank goodness, but definitely some sadness at being second-in-line behind an ill baby brother. And you know what? The fact that she handled it amazingly well, never once being difficult, just makes me feel like more of a failure. I should be proud that I've raised her to behave so beautifully! I am! I am! Go away, guilt!

Starting to see the epic failure here?

I probably called the doctor about five times checking about Hudson. They patiently assured me that this was a viral thing going around, that it took quite awhile to run its course, and that Hudson seemed to be weathering it just fine. But I was so darn frustrated that I couldn't do anything for him, other than hold him and try to make the time pass easier for him. Add in a neglected-feeling daughter, a messy house that has reached never-before-seen levels of nastiness, flowers that desperately need to be watered, a toilet that went on the fritz, and all those papers to edit, plus having my husband gone quite a bit, and I just wanted to lay my head down at night and tremble.

Oh, well, as Scarlet O'Hara so eloquently stated: After all, tomorrow is another day.

I can rejoice that my son is back to himself! I can spend some focused time with my daughter! I can send my husband's license renewal materials off in the mail! As for myself? I can take a nice, deep breath! Nope, it wasn't an easy time, and nope, we didn't have a perfect, delightful week, and nope, we didn't make it to Holiday World or the pool this week. But you know what? We made it through together. And that's what families do.

Settling into Summer

A backyard, an inflatable pool, and a random slide

Does it get any better than that?

Maybe when it's a frog pool and it randomly splashes you!
Or (if you're Hudson) playing outside the pool where you can walk!

Well, there's no doubt summer has arrived! And if I thought my summer would be a calm, relaxing, much-needed break from the craziness that is scheduled life....then I was WRONG! However, I am still enjoying myself and loving every minute with my family. Really, nothing else matters. Of course, I am currently at home with a sick child, so our fun has come to a temporary stop. More about that later. This would explain why my mind is shifting gears and not at all coherent. Sorry about that. Still, I wanted to post some updates for everyone, even if my writing itself exactly up to par. So be patient with me!

1. Our doctor thinks Hudson has a virus that needs to run its course, and we're hoping he'll be feeling better by Thursday. Until then, please keep him in your thoughts. Poor little guy's never really been sick before, so he's confused about how he feels and wants to keep playing, even though his fever won't let him.

2. Yes, I realize I missed my opporunity on Father's Day to write a beautiful post about Erik and his relationship with our children (I'll catch up, I promise! Sick kid, remember?), but I wanted to give a quick shout-out to him and to my own father. Both are truly exemplary examples of how special fatherhood can be.

3. You may have noticed a few changes in my blog. If you know me at all, you know I am not a big fan of change. Routine, predictability, that's me! But I've decided it's time to update a few things here on the 'ol blog. Right now, that's mainly the title, but an entirely new layout is in the works. I'm still tweaking it with my designer. So keep your eyes out!

4. Also, at the suggestion of some of my blogger friends, I will now be copyrighting all my photos. However, if you're a family member or friend who's been making copies for your own albums, please let me know and I'll send you a wordless copy of any photo you'd like. This is mainly just a precaution since I'm getting a bit more traffic and don't want random strangers using my pics!

I hope everyone else is enjoying their summer! Being a teacher is a lot of hard work (don't let anyone tell you differently!!!), but it certainly has its perks. And I'm very, very thankful for them.

Hudson's 1 Year Photo Shoot

Since my son rarely sits still anymore, I was rather hesitant to pay a professional photographer when I knew, as only a mother could, that Hudson would not do well in a studio. Thus, I decided to try and take them myself outdoors somewhere. So he could run around and be a boy. You know, it's what he does best!

These were taken at Huntingburg City Park. Luckily Ava got to play on the playground (fun for her!) and I had some help from my lovely assistant (thanks, Mom!). By the end of the photo shoot I was exhausted and frazzled, but it was fun to see Hudson enjoy himself. I probably could have gotten better shots from a professional, but I don't think the Bub would've had any more fun than this way.

Is he not the most handsome little man you ever saw? Yes, I may be a bit biased, but I can't help myself. He's adorable! When did he grow into such a little boy???

P.S. A bonus shot of Ava! She played so well on the playground that I had to snap one of her as we left past League Stadium. She rolled her eyes at me seconds before I snapped it, but at least she was a good sport!

Teamwork

Apparently I let the kitchen floor get a little too dirty for my children's tastes. As you can see, they ganged up on me and demanded we keep the floor clean. Or something like that!

Holiday World

Trying on his trunks before we left
(Excitement is PALPABLE!)

Now that summer has arrived, we in the Smith family are once again proud season pass holders at Holiday World & Splashin' Safari. We are so excited! Those of you who have been with us awhile will remember that last year, due to Hudson's birth, we were unable to visit much. But now that he's reached the ripe 'ol age of one, we decided it was time to reenlist. Or so I thought!

Last week, I took Ava—along with my mom, who always gets a pass too—to get our season started. Of course, since I got my new camera, I wasn't willing to risk it during our trip, so I opted to forgo photos. At least this time. Then on Monday we all decided to go again, only this time with Hudson as well. Since I still didn't want to take my own camera, I talked Ava into bringing hers (my old pink camera, actually, but she's become such an accomplished little photographer that I really think of it as “Ava's camera” now). Anyway, I wanted to get some shots of Hudson's first Holiday World trip.

Then we actually got to Holiday World. Hudson went crazy! He loved all the people. He pointed at everything. He wanted to do everything. He couldn't sit still! Needless to say, I completely forgot about the camera! Two kids at Holiday World is CRAZY! Hudson could only go on a few rides (the carousel, the train, etc.), so we were somewhat limited in our riding capabilities and spent most of our time at the water park. Which both kids adore. But even then—CRAZY!

Which explains why I have no photos from our trip. Trust me, it wasn't going to happen. Poor Hudson. At least I got that one single shot of him trying on his swim trunks before we left. And I love that you can see how excited he was! Ava and I kept shouting Holiday World, then doing a silly high-pitched scream, which Hudson eventually joined. So at least I know my little man had a terrific time. And Ava survived toting along her brother. And my mom and I had a good time as well, although I think we both slept a little deeper that night.

Of course, if this is any indication of what our week at the beach is going to be like, then I'm in for one helluva vacay!!

Ink Confessions

A brief convo after Erik caught Ava writing on her hand in ink:

Erik: No, Ava! We don't write on our hands! Especially not with ink!

Ava: Ok, Daddy, but I saw you do it before. With ink!

Erik: No, I don't think so, Ava. I don't write on my hand in ink. Nope.

Ava: Yes, you did! A long time ago. You wrote someone's number on there so you wouldn't forget it. Remember? Something about school. Right?

Erik: Are you kidding me? That was over six months ago.

Ava: Yup. So I'm right. See? You DID do it. With ink!

Seriously, you should have seen the look on his face. Hilarious. Wow, I really love when she proves him wrong. I mean, I REALLY love it!

An Answer in Essay Form

Recently, a friend of mine asked me a question that accomplished a rare task. It stumped me for a moment. Yes, I know, SHOCKING! This from the girl who—back in school—pretty much knew every answer to every question and couldn't get her hand up quickly enough. Goody-Two-Shoes, anyone? But, seriously, this question has had me thinking for many days now, and I still don't know if I have an answer for her. At least not a perfect, 100% correct answer. Not that I believe one actually exists.

So what was it? What single question managed to put all my 4.0's to the test? Simple.

This friend is about to become a mother for the first time (as a matter of fact, I have several friends who are about to embark on this fascinating journey and may be wondering the same thing). She asked me, “Lori, you've been a mom for over four years and have two kids, so what's it like being a mother? What can you tell me to prepare me for what lies ahead?”

OMG. WTF. IDK!

Ok, so my brain may have self-destructed at that very moment. A lifetime worth of emotions swirled through my mind, fueled by split-second snapshots from my own mommy experiences. Big brown eyes. Tiny teeth in a wide smile. A single tear glimmering on a plump cheek. Spaghetti stains. A skinned knee. Golden laughter. Screaming tantrums. Endless independence in a single stubborn act. That smell of a baby just after a bath. Upstretched arms needing a hug. On and on and on.

I looked my friend in the face. Total silence. She grinned back. “That bad?”

Oh, how can I even begin to tell her? To show her? Not that bad. That GOOD. That AMAZING. That MIND-BLOWING.

Since that conversation, I've tried to put into words what it's like to be a mother. I suppose I could have simply directed her to my blog with the hopes that the overall experience would shine through my previous posts. But that didn't seem good enough to me. No, I wanted to try (although I knew going in I would never be able to do it justice) to capture the essence of new motherhood. I'm sure my perspective will change later, but where am I right now? How do I feel? Isn't that the point of this blog? To share my experiences?

So here we go....

First of all—the most important thing I've learned about being a mother—is this simple fact: YOU are the mother. God has chosen YOU to guide this child (or these children) through life, and that was no accident. No mother is perfect, and all of them will make mistakes, but YOU are the perfect mother for your child. You may have been totally clueless in life prior to birthing a child, but God hasn't left you alone in this task. Oh, no! Somewhere within YOU now exists a mother's intuition, and that's more powerful than any child-rearing book, any old-wives tale, any advice-driven older woman who crosses your path. Always remember that: YOU are a MOTHER by God's design, and only YOU can know and do what's best for your child.

It took me awhile to realize this truth, and also to gain the confidence needed to embrace it. But there you have it. You may hold your tiny newborn tight against you and go against others who urge you to “Put the baby down! You're going to spoil it!” But that's okay. You may be overprotective and cut your child's food into tiny pieces, enduring rolled eyes and furrowed brows, but that's all right too. You may try to use a nasal aspirator to ease your child's breathing problems in the middle of the night, only to have him jerk and cause a nosebleed. While you will cry desperate tears of guilt (trust me on this one), that's all part of it. Because you know what? Despite those mistakes, you are the one who's there to cuddle your baby. And that makes all the difference.

The best part? All those single, simple moments that add up into the most powerful bond you'll ever feel. Time has a way (well, there's no way to describe it, really) of both speeding up and slowing down. Speeding up because you'll watch your baby literally transform before your very eyes, and it feels like you'll never catch up and you'll miss so much. Being away from him or her even for a minute is difficult. Sometimes(!) But then time makes up for those fears by also slowing down at rare moments. It's those moments you need to embrace, appreciate, and treasure ever after. They make all the sacrifice and difficulties worth it—because let's face it: there are going to be times when you're overwhelmed, underappreciated, and downright exhausted.

But back to the moments! Yes, those fabulous moments! This is what gets you through those long, sleepless nights, and the crazy travel snafus, and the screaming, the pooping, the everything.

Those. Moments. Are. Magic.

With Ava, I remember sitting up at night, nursing her, and watching headlights splay across the room when a car drove by at 3 AM. She would sigh contentedly, reaching up a tiny fist to touch my cheek, and I would feel tears slide down my cheeks as love simply coursed through my body. It's what kept me up through all such nights, and what helped me rise again at 6 AM to feed her again, face the day, and push through exhaustion.

With Hudson, I remember the spark when his eyes would catch mine across the room, how this certain smile would simply light up his face, a smile reserved just for me. This would also happen when he learned a new trick, spoke a new word, or got a toy to do just what he wanted it to do. Identical brown eyes searching each other out, a spark of magic. Shared love.

Just please-please-please cling to those moments. Save them up like pearls on a necklace. Then pull them out when you need them. Trust me, you will need them. And there's nothing wrong with that. I've felt more weak, vulnerable, and failing since becoming a mother than I ever had before in life. But I've also felt like I expanded in every direction as a result of those emotions. Before I lived linearly, only looking forward; now I live spherically, looking up—down—behind—around—up—everywhere. If that makes any sense at all.

So that's the best part. But the worst part? The part where you'll really need those magical moments? For me, it had nothing to do with my children and everything to do with some unexpected negativity that arrived shortly after motherhood. For some reason, some people look at new mothers and can't wait to point out their shortcomings, or toss out a bit of advice, or point out a better way to do something, not caring at all about how their negative energy might affect a new mother. There will be people (believe it or not) who will tell you all sorts of mean, judgmental, or even just careless things. Ignore them. Look at your beautiful child and remember that he was put into YOUR care. For a reason. Just because something worked for another woman, doesn't mean it has to work for you. Just because their child turned out exceedingly well, doesn't mean your child needs those same things. This goes back to my original truth: every child is different, which is why he has a specially-chosen mother. YOU must become the champion of your own child, and this means finding a way to overcome other people who want to steer you from your course. Even if their intentions are good, you must not allow them to let you feel inferior or incapable. Even if you make mistakes or make the wrong choices, those are YOUR opportunities for growth. And they're part of your journey; you need them. No one knows your baby like you do. No one.

Of course, the next step is to find someone—perhaps another mother, maybe just a friend—who gives you nonjudgmental support and thoughtful advice. And loves you even if you still end up doing your own thing. Find as many as you can! For me, sharing motherhood with these women has made me a better person and a better mother. Because I myself had such a wonderful childhood, I have tried to emulate my mother whenever possible, while still respecting that my children are quite different from how I myself was as a child. I am also extremely blessed with several relatives, friends, and coworkers—also mothers—who support one another, share common issues, and infuse motherhood with a positive network of kindred spirits. If you ever need help with this, let me know. Building a community of positive mothers is vital. Plus, you can bitch about those negative influences and feel totally vindicated by your friends' understanding.

Never underestimate the power of a good listener. Or a good hug. Or a good cry. Or an hour of sleep. Or whatever it is that helps you in your darkest moments. Eventually, the light will find you again. And that light usually streams from your child like a rainbow, glittering all the colors of the world as it illuminates you when you most need it.

Being a mother can sometimes feel like such a mission, such a responsibility, but you are never alone. Even if it's just you and your baby, alone on the couch, while the house gets messy around you, you are embarking on the most meaningful journey of life. Plus, it's so much fun! Really! There's nothing like it. Motherhood is different for every woman, but I have no doubt it will be magical for you. As it is magical for me. As it was magical for my mom. So let the dishes sit overnight. Who cares if you haven't lost your baby weight yet? Look at your make-up-less face in the mirror, smooth out your wrinkled clothes, and overlook the smell of baby drool that permeates your body now. And say to yourself, as I say to you now.....

Welcome to motherhood, the most magical and worthwhile adventure you'll ever experience.

P.S. Dear friend, I hope you made it through this post (the longest I've ever written!), and I hope I have come even marginally close to answering your question. And I hope I'll be one of those positive mothers you'll turn to when you need it, even if it's to tell you that going crazy is all just part of the adventure and that it's definitely too late to turn back now!

Mr. & Mrs. Smith

Robert McCarty Photography

So I'm a bit late with this, but on Friday Erik and I celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary. While I've never acknowledged our anniversary before on the blog, I felt like this one deserved mention. Five years! Together over eight years! We've certainly come a long way since meeting back in our USI days.

Am I still crazy about him? YES! Does he still drive me crazy? YES! You know, I think that's a pretty good balance, don't you?

Happy 5th Anniversary, E!

Spirit Fingers

You know, I'm not sure exactly what she was doing here, but I can report what she WASN'T doing: letting the rain spoil her fun. Isn't imagination a wonderful thing?

You know what they say about big feet.....

.....they SUCK when they belong to you!

About a year ago, I was sitting on the couch, cuddling my newborn son as he nursed, and contemplating….MY FEET! Yes, as I gazed down at my tootsers—as they’re referred to in my house—I couldn’t help but notice the vast effect this second pregnancy had had upon my feet.

I mentally ticked off the reasons behind this transformation. Had my feet swelled? YES! Had the veins bulged? YES! Had I been plagued with incessant foot cramps? YES! Then there was that one time I put in a full day of teaching (on my feet, aren’t I dedicated?), followed by a never-ending academic competition at a nearby school where I alternated between sitting and traipsing around looking for students. Not my best moment. I arrived home that night just shy of midnight, dropped into the recliner, and begged my husband to put me out of my misery. My feet were HUGE! Erik wanted to get a camera and record those tootsers for all posterity, but I never wanted to see them looking like that EVER. AGAIN.

Yet months later, baby in arms, I realized they really hadn’t changed that much. They were still swelled, still bulging with veins, still HUGE. Not to worry, I told myself then, they will go down eventually. They HAVE to, right?

Wrong.

My son is now a year old, yet my feet show no signs of shrinking. And you know what? I might have been able to live with their size increase, had I not already been striding through life with over-sized feet. My mother has size six feet. Okay, she’s short, but still. Size sixes! One of my friends is significantly taller than me, but she sports mere size sevens. How does she even stay balanced?? Somehow, I ended up short AND big-footed. And had managed to live with this dichotomy quite nicely, thank you very much. Until now.

I don’t mean to whine. I don’t. Because I couldn’t be happier with how things have turned out for me. Seriously, I am SO LUCKY. And I thank God everyday for those blessings. Do I deserve them? No. But I will forever be thankful for them and appreciate them and try to do right by them. All of my blessings.

So I’m trying to think of these HUGE feet as blessings. Cause the bulging veins are almost gone. And while there’s still a lot of sensitivity, the swelling is completely gone. I’m not sure how all that translated into a continued size-and-a-half increased shoe size, but I’m trying to deal with it. Which explains why I’m purging this frustration with my honkin’ feet to all you good people via my blog. I may never hike in heels (yes, been there, done that!) again, but is that such a big price to pay for pregnancy? NOPE!

And you know what? I’ve decided there is one good benefit of having these feet. It’s just occurred to me, actually. Those few extra pounds of baby weight? You know, the ones that I can’t seem to shed? Now I have the perfect excuse for why I’m not back to my pre-baby weight: MONSTER FEET! That’s added at least five pounds of weight, right?!?

See? Big feet? No big deal!