An Answer in Essay Form

Recently, a friend of mine asked me a question that accomplished a rare task. It stumped me for a moment. Yes, I know, SHOCKING! This from the girl who—back in school—pretty much knew every answer to every question and couldn't get her hand up quickly enough. Goody-Two-Shoes, anyone? But, seriously, this question has had me thinking for many days now, and I still don't know if I have an answer for her. At least not a perfect, 100% correct answer. Not that I believe one actually exists.

So what was it? What single question managed to put all my 4.0's to the test? Simple.

This friend is about to become a mother for the first time (as a matter of fact, I have several friends who are about to embark on this fascinating journey and may be wondering the same thing). She asked me, “Lori, you've been a mom for over four years and have two kids, so what's it like being a mother? What can you tell me to prepare me for what lies ahead?”

OMG. WTF. IDK!

Ok, so my brain may have self-destructed at that very moment. A lifetime worth of emotions swirled through my mind, fueled by split-second snapshots from my own mommy experiences. Big brown eyes. Tiny teeth in a wide smile. A single tear glimmering on a plump cheek. Spaghetti stains. A skinned knee. Golden laughter. Screaming tantrums. Endless independence in a single stubborn act. That smell of a baby just after a bath. Upstretched arms needing a hug. On and on and on.

I looked my friend in the face. Total silence. She grinned back. “That bad?”

Oh, how can I even begin to tell her? To show her? Not that bad. That GOOD. That AMAZING. That MIND-BLOWING.

Since that conversation, I've tried to put into words what it's like to be a mother. I suppose I could have simply directed her to my blog with the hopes that the overall experience would shine through my previous posts. But that didn't seem good enough to me. No, I wanted to try (although I knew going in I would never be able to do it justice) to capture the essence of new motherhood. I'm sure my perspective will change later, but where am I right now? How do I feel? Isn't that the point of this blog? To share my experiences?

So here we go....

First of all—the most important thing I've learned about being a mother—is this simple fact: YOU are the mother. God has chosen YOU to guide this child (or these children) through life, and that was no accident. No mother is perfect, and all of them will make mistakes, but YOU are the perfect mother for your child. You may have been totally clueless in life prior to birthing a child, but God hasn't left you alone in this task. Oh, no! Somewhere within YOU now exists a mother's intuition, and that's more powerful than any child-rearing book, any old-wives tale, any advice-driven older woman who crosses your path. Always remember that: YOU are a MOTHER by God's design, and only YOU can know and do what's best for your child.

It took me awhile to realize this truth, and also to gain the confidence needed to embrace it. But there you have it. You may hold your tiny newborn tight against you and go against others who urge you to “Put the baby down! You're going to spoil it!” But that's okay. You may be overprotective and cut your child's food into tiny pieces, enduring rolled eyes and furrowed brows, but that's all right too. You may try to use a nasal aspirator to ease your child's breathing problems in the middle of the night, only to have him jerk and cause a nosebleed. While you will cry desperate tears of guilt (trust me on this one), that's all part of it. Because you know what? Despite those mistakes, you are the one who's there to cuddle your baby. And that makes all the difference.

The best part? All those single, simple moments that add up into the most powerful bond you'll ever feel. Time has a way (well, there's no way to describe it, really) of both speeding up and slowing down. Speeding up because you'll watch your baby literally transform before your very eyes, and it feels like you'll never catch up and you'll miss so much. Being away from him or her even for a minute is difficult. Sometimes(!) But then time makes up for those fears by also slowing down at rare moments. It's those moments you need to embrace, appreciate, and treasure ever after. They make all the sacrifice and difficulties worth it—because let's face it: there are going to be times when you're overwhelmed, underappreciated, and downright exhausted.

But back to the moments! Yes, those fabulous moments! This is what gets you through those long, sleepless nights, and the crazy travel snafus, and the screaming, the pooping, the everything.

Those. Moments. Are. Magic.

With Ava, I remember sitting up at night, nursing her, and watching headlights splay across the room when a car drove by at 3 AM. She would sigh contentedly, reaching up a tiny fist to touch my cheek, and I would feel tears slide down my cheeks as love simply coursed through my body. It's what kept me up through all such nights, and what helped me rise again at 6 AM to feed her again, face the day, and push through exhaustion.

With Hudson, I remember the spark when his eyes would catch mine across the room, how this certain smile would simply light up his face, a smile reserved just for me. This would also happen when he learned a new trick, spoke a new word, or got a toy to do just what he wanted it to do. Identical brown eyes searching each other out, a spark of magic. Shared love.

Just please-please-please cling to those moments. Save them up like pearls on a necklace. Then pull them out when you need them. Trust me, you will need them. And there's nothing wrong with that. I've felt more weak, vulnerable, and failing since becoming a mother than I ever had before in life. But I've also felt like I expanded in every direction as a result of those emotions. Before I lived linearly, only looking forward; now I live spherically, looking up—down—behind—around—up—everywhere. If that makes any sense at all.

So that's the best part. But the worst part? The part where you'll really need those magical moments? For me, it had nothing to do with my children and everything to do with some unexpected negativity that arrived shortly after motherhood. For some reason, some people look at new mothers and can't wait to point out their shortcomings, or toss out a bit of advice, or point out a better way to do something, not caring at all about how their negative energy might affect a new mother. There will be people (believe it or not) who will tell you all sorts of mean, judgmental, or even just careless things. Ignore them. Look at your beautiful child and remember that he was put into YOUR care. For a reason. Just because something worked for another woman, doesn't mean it has to work for you. Just because their child turned out exceedingly well, doesn't mean your child needs those same things. This goes back to my original truth: every child is different, which is why he has a specially-chosen mother. YOU must become the champion of your own child, and this means finding a way to overcome other people who want to steer you from your course. Even if their intentions are good, you must not allow them to let you feel inferior or incapable. Even if you make mistakes or make the wrong choices, those are YOUR opportunities for growth. And they're part of your journey; you need them. No one knows your baby like you do. No one.

Of course, the next step is to find someone—perhaps another mother, maybe just a friend—who gives you nonjudgmental support and thoughtful advice. And loves you even if you still end up doing your own thing. Find as many as you can! For me, sharing motherhood with these women has made me a better person and a better mother. Because I myself had such a wonderful childhood, I have tried to emulate my mother whenever possible, while still respecting that my children are quite different from how I myself was as a child. I am also extremely blessed with several relatives, friends, and coworkers—also mothers—who support one another, share common issues, and infuse motherhood with a positive network of kindred spirits. If you ever need help with this, let me know. Building a community of positive mothers is vital. Plus, you can bitch about those negative influences and feel totally vindicated by your friends' understanding.

Never underestimate the power of a good listener. Or a good hug. Or a good cry. Or an hour of sleep. Or whatever it is that helps you in your darkest moments. Eventually, the light will find you again. And that light usually streams from your child like a rainbow, glittering all the colors of the world as it illuminates you when you most need it.

Being a mother can sometimes feel like such a mission, such a responsibility, but you are never alone. Even if it's just you and your baby, alone on the couch, while the house gets messy around you, you are embarking on the most meaningful journey of life. Plus, it's so much fun! Really! There's nothing like it. Motherhood is different for every woman, but I have no doubt it will be magical for you. As it is magical for me. As it was magical for my mom. So let the dishes sit overnight. Who cares if you haven't lost your baby weight yet? Look at your make-up-less face in the mirror, smooth out your wrinkled clothes, and overlook the smell of baby drool that permeates your body now. And say to yourself, as I say to you now.....

Welcome to motherhood, the most magical and worthwhile adventure you'll ever experience.

P.S. Dear friend, I hope you made it through this post (the longest I've ever written!), and I hope I have come even marginally close to answering your question. And I hope I'll be one of those positive mothers you'll turn to when you need it, even if it's to tell you that going crazy is all just part of the adventure and that it's definitely too late to turn back now!